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Here you'll find info about artists, rumors, camping tips, and the infamous Roo Clues. Have a look around then create an account and join in the fun. See you at Bonnaroo!!
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs." Several years ago, a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana, and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's butt. I was able to put them together, and now she's running for President.
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans. There are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
President Bush decided he wanted to hear what "his People" really think about him, so he leaves his body guards outside a small town and walks into a bar. After talking to the elderly barman for a while, he gets around to asking: "And what do you think of this President?"
The barman pauses drying a glass and says, "Do you really want to know my honest-to-god opinion?" "Yes, yes", replies Bush eagerly.
The barman hesitates looking over his shoulder, "No, not here, you never know who is listening and I need this job badly since all my pension funds have gone and I have a sick wife at home. The President ain't gonna help me if I loose my job here for telling the truth. But I tell you what, meet me at the end of the road at two after I finish work."
So after talking a bit more and hearing how half the town are unemployed, Bush drinks up his lemonade and goes out. At two o'clock he is at the end of the street and the barman approaches. "You still wanna know what I think of George W. Bush?" he asks. "Sure", replies the President.
"Well" the barman says looking over his shoulder and pulling nervously at his tie, "I don't want anyone to hear me. Follow me down the road a bit". The President is getting nervous. He had heard people felt bad about his Administration, bad about the unemployment, reductions in spending on schools and lack of medical provision, even bad about the Patriot Act, but that they felt they could not longer speak out? But he follows the barman down the street...
They come to some woodland. "You still want to know?" the barman asks nervously, peering into the trees. "Sure" nods the Bush. "Well, I ain't gonna tell you here. You never do know who is listening. I tell you what, fellah, let's just climb to the top of this here hill."
So the barman takes the path and they hike up to the top of the hill. They can see for miles... Not a soul in sight. Bush is really nervous now. What the heck is this guy going to say? The barman asks again, looking around and up at the sky: "You really, really want to know what I think don't ya?" Bush nods, panting.
"Well come here and I'll whisper in your ear..." Bush is finally going to hear the truth at last! Yes! The barman leans near his ear and whispers quietly: "You know, I don't find Bush all that bad."
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK." The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
An efficiency consultant gos into a restaurant and can't help but notice that each waiter and waitress has a spoon sticking out of their top pocket. He's intrigued and asks his waiter what it's for.
"Well", say the waiter, "We carried out a study and found that of all the silverware dropped on the floor, 67.48% of the time it's a spoon. So we each carry a spare spoon so that we can replace the dropped one without having to return to the kitchen, thus saving 37.1 seconds of valuable time."
The consultant's really impressed with this and then notices that the waiter has a string hanging out of his fly.
"So, what's with the string", he asks.
"Ah" says the waiter "we did another study and found that while it only takes 22.4 seconds on average to pee, it takes an additional 47.2 seconds to wash and dry our hands. With the string, we can pull out our d!cks without touching them, thus avoiding the need to wash our hands."
"Amazing," says the consultant and thinks for a moment, "but how do you put your d!ck away again afterwards?"
"Well," says the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I usually use the spoon."
A bear walks into a bar. Bartender asks him what he'll have. Bear says I'll have a captain and................coke. Bartender says why the big pause? Bear holds up his paws and says had em' all my life
THE FOLLOWING IS A JOKE THAT IS SEXUAL IN NATURE _ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED - STOP READING NOW!
Heads thicker than the shaft??? Body: In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Post by easymorningrebel on Aug 29, 2007 15:42:29 GMT -5
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."
A guy walks into a bar and says, give me three shots of tequila. He hammers them all back and the bartender says, what are drinking shots for? The man says, ah, my first blow job. The bartender says, man, let me buy you a shot! The guy says, nah, if three won't kill the taste, one more won't help.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was w rong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
During the Apollo 11 moon landing, after saying "One small step for man.. one giant leap for mankind.." Neil Armstrong was barely recorded mumbling "good luck, Mr. Overstone..." For years, journalists had asked him who this Mr. Overstone was and why he said that.. He denied having said it, or claimed he couldn't talk about it. Just last year a journalist again asked him about it and he said: "Well, Mr. Overstone has passed away so I suppose I can tell you.. I was playing in my backyard as a child, and my neighbors the Overstones were arguing in their backyard. Mrs. Overstone at one point yelled, "You can have a blowjob when the neighbors kid walks on the moon!!""
Post by strumntheguitar on Nov 9, 2007 12:52:36 GMT -5
and another one...
One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.
A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."
No one replies so the man gives up.
All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.
The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
Post by iridethecannibus on Nov 9, 2007 14:24:18 GMT -5
^^^^ haha, that's great...
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Wisconsin, after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sherriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??
Post by SouthGA_Festival Machine on Jan 14, 2008 14:06:13 GMT -5
Good one. Karma
bos1969 said:
and anther one
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??
Post by jambandjohn on Jan 18, 2008 0:32:25 GMT -5
To the Management:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1- I do physical labor 2- I work at great depths 3- I plunge head first into everything I do 4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off 5- I work in a damp environment 6- I don't get paid overtime 7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation 8- I work in high temperatures 9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1- You can not work 8 hours straight 2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods 3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team 4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations 5- You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured & stimulated in order to start working 6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift 7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear 8- You will retire well before you are 65 9- You are unable to work double shifts 10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task 11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags