Whether it's your first Bonnaroo or you’re a music festival veteran, we welcome you to Inforoo.
Here you'll find info about artists, rumors, camping tips, and the infamous Roo Clues. Have a look around then create an account and join in the fun. See you at Bonnaroo!!
Two boys are walking down the street on a hot summer day and they pass Old Miss Jenkins' house. They see Miss Jenkins is sitting on her porch eating watermelon, her legs up on the railing and no underwear under her dress.
"Hey Miss Jenkins, you don't have any drawers on, is that because of the heat?" asks one of the boys.
"I dunno about that," Miss Jenkins says as she munches on her snack. "But it sure keeps the flies away from my watermelon."
I read this joke in one of those Dirty Joke books back in 7th grade and still tell it like 20 years later. Always freaks people out because I am usually very sweet and proper ;D
Post by oleander124 on Jul 10, 2007 11:13:46 GMT -5
One day Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. One of his secret service men whispered something in Clinton's ear. Bill then picked up his wife and threw her on thr field. The secret service men said, "No, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch."
One day Bill Clinton and his wife were at a baseball game. He had secret service men in the row behind him. One of his men whispered something in Clinton's ear. Bill then picked up his wife and threw her on thr field. The secret service men said, "No, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.
Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging that he knew everyone. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington ."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome . Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him,
"What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
Post by strumntheguitar on Jul 10, 2007 12:18:28 GMT -5
corny joke time!
A lady was pumping gas in her car on a rather stressful day. She decided to disregard the warning and light up a cigarette while her car filled up. Sure enough, her arm quickly caught on fire from an ash and she ran around the gas station flailing about. The owner of the gas station called 911, and shortly thereafter the police were the first ones to arrive at the scene before any firetrucks or ambulances. The policemen jumped out of the car, saw the woman and shot her dead.
The policemen had to go to court and explain to a judge why they chose to shoot the lady and one of the officers said "When we arrived at the gas station the lady was running around waving a firearm at us"
Post by oleander124 on Jul 10, 2007 12:19:34 GMT -5
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.
His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting,he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun
"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
Post by strumntheguitar on Jul 10, 2007 12:39:47 GMT -5
bos1969 said:
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
I did that once, accidentally. I was at the beach with a bunch of friends and we were spun out of our minds and this nice old couple came in and I asked what floor and they said 9 and I hit 6 on accident, then I tried again and missed and got 8 and then I started getting irritated and slapped all the buttons on the elevator.
My friends were laughing their heads off and one of them tapped me on the shoulder and said "dude, we're staying on 9. It was already pushed in"
Post by canexplain on Jul 10, 2007 15:10:48 GMT -5
This is kind of a funny story concerning ¡§buttons to push¡¨ ¡K. My gf, I and a friend were in San Diego and we decided we would go over to TJ. So we took the bus to the boarder and were going to walk across ¡K. Here we go, three gringos off to Mexico ¡K we were already sort of trashed even before we got there, so we are on the Mexican side ¡K as we are walking thru the entrance, there is this big stoplight (like the ones on streets) ¡K and a BIG BUTTON ¡K. So I decided I would see what the button was for ¡K I pushed it, opps ¡K. It was like the emergency button that the boarder patrol use for emergencies at the boarder ¡K. Bells and whistles go off and these giant gates close where the cars are coming in and out ¡K I shut down the boarder both directions lol ¡K the cop station was right next to us so we hustled down the street with them yelling at us to come back ¡K. I guess they really didn¡¦t care or just got tired because they didn¡¦t chase us far ¡K. Fun times ¡K moral of the story: don¡¦t push buttons you have no clue what they might do ƒº ¡K.. lol ¡K cr**** ;D ;D
Post by strumntheguitar on Jul 10, 2007 15:41:44 GMT -5
I read the story about don't push buttons and then I scrolled up and there's an ad at the top that says "The FART button! Press it... you know you want to"
Post by oleander124 on Jul 10, 2007 15:51:41 GMT -5
strumntheguitar said:
I read the story about don't push buttons and then I scrolled up and there's an ad at the top that says "The FART button! Press it... you know you want to"
welllllll.......................... did you press it?
Post by strumntheguitar on Jul 10, 2007 21:33:44 GMT -5
While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 The Look on Cop’s Face - PRICELESS
Post by oleander124 on Jul 11, 2007 9:51:59 GMT -5
strumntheguitar said:
While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 The Look on Cop’s Face - PRICELESS
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Post by sparklybecca on Jul 18, 2007 8:31:56 GMT -5
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
A man boarded an airplane in St. John's Newfoundland with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Shortly before landing in Dryden, try as she might, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St. John's please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Post by strumntheguitar on Jul 19, 2007 10:04:46 GMT -5
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
