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Post by msfelithatsme on May 9, 2007 16:56:50 GMT -5
so. what a whirlwind of a 1/2 week. I figure you trusty inforooers have nice advice. here goes the "tiny url" version of my situation.
i have this phone relationship thing with a friend of mine. (one of my good friends brotherS) weve known each other for years but only recently brought it to this level. what kind of level? im not too sure. weve had sex. and we talk on the phone almost every day. he lives int he middle of nowhere in arizona.. (he works on a mine.. so it really is the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE) i live in manhattan.
im looking for a change, and my job is sucking. im a teacher and i have to switch schools so as of now i dont know what school i would work at in sept.
he invited me to live with him. he pays almost nothing in rent. we had a discussion about what we are. and we mutually decided it would be a chance to see if we could be together.
i called the school in his teeny tiny town and they are hiring. they are going to do a phone interview with me on friday.
Post by sparklybecca on May 9, 2007 17:05:58 GMT -5
WOW girly.. so much to say here. first of all, i think there is alot of soul searching that has to go on here. PLEASE make a list 'pluses and minuses' of moving. Remember you live in the busiest craziest city around! Would you be bored? Are you in love with this guy?
Maybe you could go out for a extended vacation and see if you could actually live with him. Do you know anyone else out there? Would he be your only support?
WOW girly.. so much to say here. first of all, i think there is alot of soul searching that has to go on here. PLEASE make a list 'pluses and minuses' of moving. Remember you live in the busiest craziest city around! Would you be bored? Are you in love with this guy?
Maybe you could go out for a extended vacation and see if you could actually live with him. Do you know anyone else out there? Would he be your only support?
what she said and ....
I usually give really bad advice, but hey ….. I was in an LDR with a gal in the bay area for 7 years (I live in Denver) … that’s a long time, so it would be hard to say if it worked or didn’t work BUT …. I found out later that “she” had convinced 3 other guys in that time, to move from their state, mostly east coast, to live with her in the bay … if I ever finally got my facts straight, each of them only lasted a little over a week and then she kicked them out and never talked with them again … I think she just wanted to see how many lives she could trash and ruin … when we first started dating she asked me the same thing … I had too many pots in the fire and I wouldn’t do it just like that …. now that might not be the same in your case at all, but what I would suggest is you move out there “on vacation” for somewhere between 3 weeks and a month ½ …. You would at least get a clue as to if you could even live in that city/state/loneliness … and you would see if you two could live together no matter where you both were … just a thought .. cr****
Post by msfelithatsme on May 9, 2007 17:18:34 GMT -5
i know. its crazy. i do live in the craziest city around. BUT i dont take advantage of it at all.
yes he would be my only support. and yes i know its crazy to move, and i would be entering HIS life and he doesnt have to make the changes or anything.
i couldnt really do an extended vacation because of the teaching job and just like the starting date.. and stuff. its all moving SO quick. im not in love with him.. AT ALL. i mean, i like him.. but not even sure to what extent. based on the relationship (or lack of) that we have had for the past few months while living across the country. i mean really we have no idea what it would be like to live together. or even live in the same town and see each other every day. but then again.. i didnt kknow what it would be like with the roomate i have now. of course thats different.. cause its not a relationshsipp... but ive known him for years and years.. as my friends brother. but recently something shifted. it sseems soo irrational, but thats what makes it exciting. when do y ou make decisions if you dont make them when they are seemingly irrational?
ADDITION: technically i could do that. go out there for 2 weeks or so in july and see how things work. but would that really be a way to tell? spendiing a few weeks with someone is different than living with them. also, there is the job thing. and with the teaching thing its like if i am offered the job.. then what do i do? say yes and then bail? sometimes options like these are harder than having no options at all.
Post by sparklybecca on May 9, 2007 17:20:56 GMT -5
^okay well.. maybe you should move NEAR him, like Tuscon or phoenix for example. I have been to AZ alot, and its def not for everyone... it is freaking STIFLING hot in the summer
and this is what my friend who lives in Tuscon has to say about it: "if he's at a mine..he does live in the middle of nowhere..with no people other than miners which im guessing are not going to be her crowd. even if she doesnt take advantage of living in NYC..it's a completely different atmosphere..not just lack of things to do. She's not in love with him and he's all she'd have. there's no wayin hell i'd do it..: he pays near nothing in rent because rent here is cheap...but she'll appreciate the rent prices when she see's what she'll make as a teacher out here"
“you don’t even love him” well then your question is really different … instead of him possibly being a negative in your new situation, he would be a plus plus … someone you can relate to, talk to, be with when you are among strangers …. But I do have to dog you about one thing … here you are possibly turning your whole life around, and you are making wamby pamby lol, reasons why you cant test the situation or do certain things … those bridges are always to your back, but it sounds like they would be chared a bit even if not burned … think twice, then think again … think while you are straight, and then totally trashed … think about it when you are happy and then very sad … give it a thought at the roo and think, hummm if I was with abc, I would miss bonnaroo this year I guess … cr***** thats it for me and my 2 cents ....
The only major red flag I see is this: your major motivation doesn't necessarily seem to be him as much as starting over in a new place. Whereas the move for him is about you coming to live with him. That is to say, you really need to make sure you're on the same page with this guy as far as seriousness of relationship goes because if you go down there, and you're not into him, it could make for serious drama down the road.
Post by oleander124 on May 9, 2007 17:58:01 GMT -5
dudezer47 said:
The only major red flag I see is this: your major motivation doesn't necessarily seem to be him as much as starting over in a new place. Whereas the move for him is about you coming to live with him. That is to say, you really need to make sure you're on the same page with this guy as far as seriousness of relationship goes because if you go down there, and you're not into him, it could make for serious drama down the road.
Yep, yep! I agree 100% with dudezer!
I moved to Tennessee 2 years ago from a town 2 hours away to be closer to my boyfriend and for a new job that paid more. It was the best decision of my life. The difference here is that I was completely in love with him, and I wanted to be near him. Sure, I went through some depression because it was a complete life upheaval...I'm over that now and am very happy with my decision.
Having lived in Arizona for five years, I can tell you that it can be a very lonely place. Unfortunately for many, especially in those littler towns (I'm guessing Quartzite?), drinking becomes the event to pass time. It's not a good way to live.
What Becca suggested is a good idea, but for you I would suggest Flagstaff. I lived there for all five of my years in Arizona, and while it is quite a bit smaller, it's waaaaay less hot, has a great vibe...very much a hippie college town. Lots of stuff to do there. Many teaching jobs to be had, I would think. It's in the mountains, so it snows regularly in the winter, making it much more like what you're used to in NY.
Bottom line, you have to do what your heart tells you. While it is exciting to try this, make sure you realize that many times, these types of things don't go according to plan...that doesn't necessarily mean something negative...just be prepared to make some major changes, even after you move to Arizona, should you decide to go for it.
A visit is a good idea, even if you can only stay for a long weekend. You should be able to tell if you would be happy there.
I moved to DC (for work) after many years in TX and even tho I was pretty stoked it was kind of rough for a while. The decision to move was easy, but the adjustment wasn't so much. My office is full of workaholics & soccer mom/dad types. They are so. not. cool.
I only knew one person outside of work and we had totally different ideas of what a fun Sat night was (a very dear, very gay friend who is not so much into music). He fell in love and moved to France, and I miss him terribly.
And don't take for granted the ability to drive 3 or 4 hours and be at the beach or in the mountains. AZ is just as land locked as TX and I Don't miss that at all. But I still miss Tex-Mex!
I'm very, very, very happy now, but I got really lucky and met an exceptional group of people. Sorry to give the short version of the last 3 years.
Follow your heart and trust your gut. I think that's what I'm really saying.
Post by ziggyandthemonkeys on May 9, 2007 19:45:24 GMT -5
I say go for it. A change of scenery could be exciting, and if it sucks, whats one year out of your life. To me it doesnt really sound likes hes neccesarily expecting you to come and be his future wife, i assume you guys have talked about you wanting a change, and it sounds like he's just presenting you an option. And since you guys talk on the phone everyday you atleast know you have things in common. Throw caution to the wind and do it! Whats the worse that could happen?
Post by msfelithatsme on May 9, 2007 21:26:16 GMT -5
wow! what a ton of advice!! i knew you all would have some great input.
many of you are straight on with what the scenario is (even my little tinyurl scenario told enough!).
i do believe that he offered this option because he knows i need to step away and think about my life.. and in addition we discussed that it could be a chance to see if things could work for us.
he actually lives in Morenci (thats where the mine is). I dont feel like moving to a town close to him i an option.. as living with him in Morenci would be a money saver.. low low low low rent and no need for a car, whereas the same couldnt be said for living in Tuscon or anywhere else.
Its really a crazy thing, and at thismoment right now i am feeling like it would not be a good choice. but i know in 3 seconds i will think about how who cares.. whats the worst that happens? i quit my job and move back here.. or anywhere? im definitley looking to gain some perspective on where i want to live in life. i feel like i am beginning to get stuck in a rut here in nyc and im not even certain that nyc is where i want to be. but its hard to reevaluate your situation when you are immersed in it. off course.. i cant really justify that thats the "right" reason to move to the middle of the desert to try something with a guy who i may have something with.
AHH! did i mention that the principal wants to call me on friday for an interview? i think i am going to buy some time with that, and tell him monday. that gives me the weekend to think about it. im currently looking at some flights out there for a weekend.. but in all seriousness.. i get sad thinking about how the reality of going there seems unreal and unlikely.
Post by fordgoose15 on May 10, 2007 13:32:21 GMT -5
I have moved cross-country for a girl before, well halfway across country. I lived in St. Louis for a year after college while my girlfriend who I met at college finished up her school. She was in radio/TV and got a job in Columbia, SC out of school. I quit my great job in STL, left family and friends behind and moved to Columbia. Why? Because at that stage in my life she was the girl I was going to marry. I am using past-tense, so I am sure you figured out we aren't together. I spent 2 years of my life that weren't a waste, but could have been spent better, out there. I don't regret the move because I loved her and knew it was the right thing at the time, but I caution everyone who is contemplating this to think long-term.
I am now in Chicago close to my family again, and near a lot of my college friends. I think those two things need to be taken into consideration as well. Once we broke up in Columbia, she had friends from work, but I didn't have those chances (I've never worked anywhere with someone within 5 years of my own age) and I got pretty sad and lonely for a while. Don't put yourself on an island (the desert town in AZ is your island) if you don't know that it's what is right for you.
If you want some change of scenery, drop by Chi-Town Or go to Europe, but not the island.
Not a lot of people in your age range, and most likely not your kinda crowd, but if you are looking to get away from everything then this could be your place. It's going to be f-ing hot I can guarantee that! Northern AZ can be pretty nice, but your talking south east BFE territory.
Personally I wouldn't do it. You can go so many places to teach and get away from it all. If you can see yourself falling for this guy, then maybe, but if he is the only reason you're dropping yourself into this town, then no. There are plenty of kick a$$ places you can go to find yourself.
"My greatest hope is to laugh as much as cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return" Maya Angelou
"We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth" Evan Esar
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen, and thinking what nobody has thought." Albert Szent-Gyorgi
Post by trippindaisy on May 16, 2007 13:19:25 GMT -5
Visit first. And if you do decide to go, don't just do it for because of him.
I met my fiance on-line 4 years ago. He visited me a few times over the course of 2 years and then decided to move here. He is a 15 hour drive away from where he grew up, his family and friends and it was a huge decision that he took a few years to make. It has worked out wonderfully for both of us but it is not a decision to take lightly. He still misses his family and friends and has not made any friends in Nashville so it has been hard, but I know he does not regret it.
Post by msfelithatsme on May 16, 2007 16:42:38 GMT -5
wow. i actually accepted the job. but of course now i am having second thoughts. im always a "do things ass backwards" type chic and so now i am looking into what will happen to my teaching certification if i do go. i already told him (the boy) and the principal that im coming. but of course.. i need to do what i want to do.. and regardless of what they will think.. if i have to change my mind.. well then i have to change my mind.
An intelligent person would have second thought no matter what the decision. There are so many unknowns. Take the chance, enjoy the ride but always leave yourself a second option should everything go to Sh!t (even if that's just going back home where you started.)
Also, don't take it personal if it doesn't work out. You are not responsible for everything.
Trust me when I say that (I'm older than you) your career will work itself out. If you lose a year and/or delay your tenure a year, what will that matter in 30 years.
Post by msfelithatsme on May 16, 2007 17:04:09 GMT -5
hahaha.. thanks oprah! and thanks everyone for you advice. really this whole decision process has reconfirmed for me what an anxious and fearful person i am. which i hate. really really hate. ive learned that i do the same thing over and over again when deciding on things. i overanalyze and overanalyze until the thing im analzying in the first place is soo broken down and disinegrated that i dont even know what i was deciding on in the first place.
I would definitely think more than twice about that decision....
But I wanted to say this... I recently made a road trip through arizona and instantly saw my environment change and overall reaction to it. My skin started to crack and I had to put chapstick on constantly. It is definitely very very dry! They are starting to have problems with water. With global warming there is not enough runoff from the snow in colorado so there is a shortage of water that will only get worse. The only solution is desalinization (water from salt-water) from the california coast in a big expensive process/pipeline. anyway....water will get expensive and scarce as phoenix grows along with other parts of arizona. I made a few stops at Sedona and flagstaff and those are some very chill beautiful towns. If I had to stay in arizona it would be one of those towns.
You're young, you can make some mistakes and be just fine. If you go and it's not what you thought it would be, you can move back. You will make a lot of big decisions in your life, some good some bad. This is just another chapter in your life of which you will write many more. Go with what your gut tells you is right and trust that decision. It took me 13 years to figure out I was married to the wrong person. Better late than never! Does the guy have a pool? NO POOL, NO GO!!!! JK
Or go to Europe, but not the island.
HEADED TO BONNAROO!!!!
JK