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We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
I know that your jobs are tough and you're often under appreciated. I want to say thank you nurses! I took care of my grandmother for 6 years and I don't know what we would have done without our visiting and hospice nurses. You are truly special people!
What are some of the funnest things you've heard your patient's say?
The first few quotes are from a nurse, a 66 year old white lady with bipolar disorder, who ended each sentence with "muthaquaka" and referenced Young Jeezy.
During our conversation, she told me that her apartment led to the abyss of hell, and that the devil gave her a UTI by quacking her each night.
She then advised me that when she got out of the hospital, she was buying me an Explorer Sport Track, and it would be the color "Mystic" because "that b*tch will, before your eyes, change colors". It will have a "baby bed" so that we can go on "a $2000 shopping spree, and won't have so suck c*ck" to get back home."
Additionally, she offered to give me lessons on "being more exotic". Because "while you're a very sexy girl, and if I were a man I'd quack your brains out and render you stupid, I could really make your soul shine".
"I created the quack, and he fell in it."
"You're taking the job of someone who really needs it. All you cats standing around are milking the tit of society, you f*ck-faces!"
This next gem is from a lady who was picked up on a bus, headed for the FBI building.
"I need to get to the FBI building to give them this message: A 10 by 60 ball of f*ck. 2010. Cambridge, MA. That's a lot of d*cks and cum!"
AA male pt: "The problem is we need to feed the white babies" ME: OK sir. HIM: "Do you know Jay-Z?" ME: Yes. HIM:"Do you know Dr. Dre?" ME: Yes. HIM: "Then you know what we are talking about" ME: Yes sir.
Schizophrenic guy: "The people who raised me aren't really my parents. I must have been adopted, because I'm not really a black guy, I'm a rare Jew... as evidenced by my p*nis size."
Schizophrenic lady "sniff me, I'm a f*cker!"
Schizophrenic lady: "Get outta here you hillbilly bowling ball gravy b*tch!!"
Guy out of his gourd because of Benzo withdrawal: "But I have to get out those doors. My father is out there and I have to tell him about what's going on with my balls.
/\ /\ /\ That is some fascinating shite. Can you regale us with more tales of crazy nursing exploits?
Schizophrenic lady: "Get outta my room before I chainsaw massacre your face, you devil worshippin' d*ck suckin' shelter ho!!"
We have a schizophrenic guy with antisocial traits who frequents the ER. He resembles Mike Tyson and has a permanent scowl that makes him look very menacing. However, his mostly bark with very little bite.
I really set him off one day when I brought him his Thursday night dinner tray. Thursday night dinner is always turkey, dressing and lima beans. I brought him his tray, he looks down and it and then up and me and snarls "Lima beans!!! B*tch, you know I don't eat no lima beans!!!" And promptly threw the tray across the day room.
I called a crisis intervention and security all came down. They walked him to his room so I could medicate him with a "cocktail". I was standing in the nurses station with the syringes in my hand, tucked behind my thigh, as they escorted him past me to a room. He ever so slightly turned his head and I saw his eyes follow the length of my arm. I knew it was on. You become very attuned to "cues" in this line of work. (You probably are in yours too).
He lunged at me, but I was already at the tail end of my 180 degree spin. I felt his fingers brush my hand. Had I been running a 100m sprint, I would have won for all the gusto I had behind me as I took off across the nurses station.
He was promptly tackled by everyone else there, taking down two chairs, a computer and some charts with him. I ran over and stuck him right where he was.
Needless to say "B*tch, you know I don't eat no lima beans!!" is now a catch phrase in the ER.
Schizophrenic lady. "So then I was watching Oprah, and I heard her say '645, get her out NOW!', and then those white people came knocking on my door and told me I had to leave. I wrote Oprah and Obama a letter, and I gave them my phone number and I told them 'If you wanna say something to me, you call me and tell me to my face, don't be sending me no messages on the TV!"
86 yr old female pt in bed B to her demented, rambling roommate: "Would you shut the F*ck up already!"
A few months back I had a young woman come in, reporting she was hearing voices. She had been treated for psychosis in the past, and was off of medications. Her family came to visit her that evening and after about 5 minutes I hear yelling coming from her room.
It wouldn't be unheard of to have a fight in the ER. I've seen chairs tossed and windows broken before. So, I assumed this is what it was an ran down with security to break it up.
Upon opening her door, one "cousin" has his hands on her forehead, yelling "Praise Jesus! Cast out these demons in Jesus's holy name!!" Beside him is the female cousin, her eyes closed, her hands to the sky, chanting "ybbbibbaa nnnattadeaneyanna", speaking in tongues. We shut the door and quietly walked away, trying our best to respect their beliefs.
A few minutes later, the man comes to the nurses station and says, "She ain't crazy, it's just the devil. We're ready to take her home now
Last Edit: May 9, 2011 2:22:30 GMT -5 by Deleted - Back to Top
This was a conversation I had on the phone on nurse's day... This is regarding my husband's recent surgery... Me: oh, he'll be okay. He's a big boy Mary from State Farm: Well, you would be a terrible nurse! (lauging) Me: I am a nurse! That's what I do! (also laughing) Mary: Where's your compassion? Me: Oh, it's gone. It only lasts about a year.
I have too much work to do! I thought nurses' day was 5-12, Nightingale's birthday?? Oh, well. :-D Got my cheap bag and king size Kit-Kat from HR. All's good.
May 6th is national RN recognition day, Nurses Day and starts Nurses week, which goes to the 12th of May, according to the ANA.
Monday night we got a pretzel and lemonade, nice treat, but not thought out well, a pretzel in the warmer for 12 hours is never pretty. Last night, we got our choice of one of the ice cream pops from the cafeteria, that was nice. Tonight we were to have a pork dinner served by Tonny's BBQ, had it last year and it was good! I was looking forward to it. ;D At 5pm I got put on-call, then called off at 11 ???
You want a nursing story, I got a nursing story,
I was working as a travel nurse in California. My patient was a 92 year old male, who had an elective mitral valve replacement. He was under my care on the 4th day post surgery. He had not awaken form surgery. Lets just say every neuro test was performed and this patient was not responding to anything. He had a GCS of 3. He was stable, heart was working fine, but it looked like a stroke. I was told in report, the family had just left and they were taking about withdrawing care the next day. Papa did not want to be on life support. Saddest part, man probably did not need to have the surgery, he only had it done to improve his cardiac function. He was mobile pre-surgery, just not as mobile as he use to be. About 2am the ventilator starts alarming, the respiratory therapist and I are on each side of the patient. The RT starts to suction the patient, when he asked, "did you see that?" "Yes I did!", I responded! "He just opened his eyes." says the RT. "Yes he did!" "Has he done that before?" No he has not, Mr, Johnson open your eyes." The patient opens his eyes. "If you can hear me blink twice" His eyes blinked twice. "squeeze my fingers." His hand squeezed my two fingers. "Now let go." He did. "I'll be damned!" ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D We did some test, some breathing exercises to make sure he could breath with out the breathing machine, he passed. We extubated, removed the breathing tube that had been placed into this person mouth and down into their lungs. Just imagine putting your longest finger in your throat and leaving it there, that is how it is to be awake and on a breathing machine. This guy is now awake and knows his name, knows he is in the hospital, but there is one problem, he thinks its Friday, he says, "yeah. I am suppose to have surgery on my heart." "Yes sir, you did, it is now Thursday" "WHAT?! You serious?" "Yes sir!" That was an amazing experience, but here is where the story gets me, I call the family, the daughter picks up the phone. "Hello, my name is Bryan and I am a nurse in the CVICU here at USC university hospital and Bill is under my care." "My Dad, Bill Johnson!" "Yes, he is my patient." "What is wrong!" *I can hear voices in the background, "is everything okay? What is it?"* "Nothing, quite the opposite, your dad is awake." "My Dad! Bill Johnson is awake!" *in the background, "Hes awake, he awake. hes awake!"* "Yes. he thinks it is Friday before his surgery, but other than that he is okay." "He thinks it is Friday! He thinks its Friday Mom!" *"He thinks its Friday, he thinks its Friday. He's awake!" Alot of family members had come home, kids and grand kids from college. I could hear all kinds of people jumping for joy in the background. "We are on our way!" "Okay, drive careful and we will see you all soon."
This is a true story, the names are different, but that is a given. I will never forget that night. ;D
Post by LoveLuckLaughter on May 12, 2011 2:46:41 GMT -5
First off, what kind of hospital do you work at that you are getting all of these treats? Son of a b*tchin' well funded hospitals!
Second off, that is a great story. In fact, I haven't had a great story like that in a long time. Floating and working ER be damned! All my favorite moments of life and good deaths (meaning peaceful Morphine/Ativan deaths as opposed to the violent gun assisted deaths I see nowadays) were when I worked full time in a community hospital ICU. Mumble mumble grumble.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Post by Vw'ndeadchick on May 12, 2011 4:05:26 GMT -5
thanks!!!1
nurses week started off with being verbally assaulted and threatened on the 6th which ended with police intervention and I'm rounding out the week with paper scrubs post vom/trach fun.
Post by xjenNjuicex on May 15, 2011 11:39:39 GMT -5
I didn't realize there were so many other nurses here! LLL, you're stories sound A LOT like mine! Last night I had a pt ask me where I go to church and the pt standing next to him, who is about 75 years old, says "I'll tell you where....in my pants." lol
I was pulling tape off a patients arm the other night and this little old lady balls up her fist and says "Excuse me Jesus, but I'm about to knock the sh*t outta this little girl!"
Meanwhile, we had been dealing with a tank of a confused man down the hall who required 2 visits from security. I think she was catching it from him.
Our jobs are always interesting aren't they? We could easily dedicate a thread things our patients say.
Yes, we should all swap stories sometime. I have some gems myself.
Like this one from a couple nights ago:
12 year old girl brought in by her mom to be checked for STD's. She admitted to being sexually active, but not in "awhile". After mom left the room, I said "ok tell me the truth, when was the last time you had sex" "yesterday" "is this a boyfriend..." "he used to be but he ain't no more" "OK...you should not be having sex anyway at your age, but he's not even your boyfriend anymore so why did you have sex with him?" "I was boed "(translation: bored)" "Well, if you were bored why not read a book?" (insert evil look from the 12 year old here) "OK, so why not take a walk or something like that?" "I can't take a walk" "why not...looks like your legs are working fine" "I gots an ankle monitor" (pulls up pant leg to show me)
good lord, shug...can't you get transferred to a nice, upscale hospital in Buckhead where the worst of your troubles will be whiny spoiled rich kids who steal mommy & daddy's scrips?
My hat's off to ALL OF YOU for everything you do (and for the things you'd love to do to some of those morons, but restrain yourselves!) - seriously...y'all have hearts of gold & nerves of steel. Thank you for being modern-day saints! Blessings to all of ya!
I was pulling tape off a patients arm the other night and this little old lady balls up her fist and says "Excuse me Jesus, but I'm about to knock the sh*t outta this little girl!"
Meanwhile, we had been dealing with a tank of a confused man down the hall who required 2 visits from security. I think she was catching it from him.
Our jobs are always interesting aren't they? We could easily dedicate a thread things our patients say.
I was pulling tape off a patients arm the other night and this little old lady balls up her fist and says "Excuse me Jesus, but I'm about to knock the sh*t outta this little girl!"
From this description, I'm pretty sure you've met my grandma.
^if that is the case, a few weeks ago, your very flexible Grandma, quickly moved her leg, in a Bruce Lee kind of way, that at a high rate of speed, her foot came in contact with my jaw/cheek area. In her defense, I was about to stick her arm with a 18g needle.
I was pulling tape off a patients arm the other night and this little old lady balls up her fist and says "Excuse me Jesus, but I'm about to knock the sh*t outta this little girl!"
^if that is the case, a few weeks ago, your very flexible Grandma, quickly moved her leg, in a Bruce Lee kind of way, that at a high rate of speed, her foot came in contact with my jaw/cheek area. In her defense, I was about to stick her arm with a 18g needle.
I had a little old lady threaten to kick me in the face one time because I had to give her an in and out cath!
Oh and I also had an old psychotic lady throw an entire cup of Ensure in my face and all down my scrubs one day.
Oh yeah. The 90 y.o. ladies always squeeze like they want to break your fingers when you do neurological checks. And they always grap you at your knuckles and crush. They can't squeeze your fingertips. Not sure what they are trying to prove.
It is 4:00 in the morning. Pt having shortness of breath on the floor and is being transferred into the ICU. Another RN will be the primary nurse, but my work is done for the night on my patients and I have free time to help. this lady is 70 years old and weighs well over 325lbs. she is a big girl and she is breathing like a fish out of water! Shortly after arrival in the unit, the patient is intubated and on a breathing machine. Not sure if this plays a part, but, intubation took a long time. 2 RTs tried and had to call the ED doctor. During this time an Ambu bag is used to help give breaths to the patient, sometimes this pushes air into the stomach. This was one of those times. After intubtion, the patient needed a foley catheter, aka a tube placed up the pee hole and into the bladder and drains urine into a bag collected at the side of the bed. This is a 3 person job, but there is only 2 of us. I put a gown on, to cover myself from what I am about to get into. There I am, my right elbow/forearm is pushing back the belly, where white fungus grows between the folds, while that hand spreads the major labia, my other elbow is pushing her leg l back, while holding a flash light. I was face first, down in between the legs of this 350lb women, did someone say, 'breathing like a fish', well, the smell took that picture to a whole different level. The other RN is just about to start cleaning, I am about gagging as it is, when it happens. Ever hear a Harley idling at a very slow RPM? Poot, Poot, Poot, Poot, Poot, Poot ,Poot,, because, that was the sound her lower area was making. I ASSume is was coming out of there, but it could have been from the other hole. Either way I lost it, I starting laughing, I could not be pissed, what would that do, I laughed, she was still Poot, poot, Poot. I start laughing more! I am now crying and water is coming out my eyes. the other RN is laughing, the tech at the nurses station is calling into the room asking if we are okay. I am about to piss my self, when the sweetest, nicest, never says a curse word or gets mad, most innocent RN walls in, and says,"What happened? she Queef?" I lose it again. I am using the wall to hold myself up, when the patient starts farting again. I point to the patient and say, "see! that is quacking funny." I push on her belly and I kid you not, it is like a damn whoppie cushion, I push she farts, *poot, poot, poot, poot* I push, *poot, poot, poot* I laugh, the other RNs laugh, I push, *poot, poot, poot* I am like a 12 year old and can not stop laughing, professionalism left a long time ago. The human whoppie cushion almost made me piss myself.
