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A common theme popular throughout American history is the idea of the conspiracy theory.
The following is an articulation of the most evil, widely damaging and controlling conspiracy I have heard, rivaling only the theory that the CIA introduced crack cocaine to urban ghettos.
Young people love music. By the time the average youth is of college age, they becomes enthralled in the jam-band craze.
The youth begin dressing like their musical heroes, singing their songs and spending large amounts of money attending shows. The musicians themselves have taken heed of their audience and have obliged with extensive touring and a cornucopia of products marketed solely for the fans.
The purveyors of the jam-band craze include national acts such as Widespread Panic and Phish.
These bands are almost always touring, usually headlining festivals whose schedules include other more regional jam-bands like New Orleans' Leftover Salmon or Oxford's Kudzu Kings.
If you have been to one jam-band show, you've been to them all. The people who frequent these venues are completely homogenized.
Almost all jam-band denizens wear sandals, frayed clothing, long skirts, halters, chokers and some sport dreadlocks. There is no freedom of choice when you become a jam-band fan and attend the shows.
There are other aspects of limited freedom at jam-band shows. Various interests have concocted the jam-band genre, namely government and corporate America, to control the youth of this nation.
The jam-band genre originates from the late 1960s when The Grateful Dead and Jefferson Airplane began touring the West Coast.
Their songs were long - too long for radio. Their fans had an inclination to take hallucinogens and dance madly for hours. Eventually people began recording these shows, the bootleg as they are called, so the masses could experience the live sounds of Jerry and Grace jamming.
By the 1970s, other bands joined the circuit, such as the Allman Brothers.
Disaster struck in 1995 when Jerry Garcia dropped dead from years of heroin addiction. This is the point when the government and corporate interests stepped in.
By 1995 jam-bands had become a bona-fide genre. The government saw the unprecedented amount of revenue generated at Dead, Spread and Phish shows, while these acts had only a minuscule amount of radio airtime.
The government, in collusion with various corporations, compelled jam-bands to organize larger shows. They even convinced the surviving members of the Dead to splinter, thus creating two acts - The Others and Ratdog.
Two acts with Dead members meant more venues, more fans and more money.
Certain attributes are common among all jam-bands' live shows:
The music is infectious and listeners dance the so-called noodle dance. Since these festivals are outdoors and in the summer heat, dancers get thirsty. They head to the concession stands for a normal 12-ounce bottle of water, usually priced a dollar at your local convenient store.
At the jam-band festival, though, the same bottle of water is $5. Parched and worn out, patrons fork out the dough to hydrate while corporations get rich.
Other sights at the jam-band shows are the scantily clad patrons. While they dance, they are certain to arouse the opposite sex, and, naturally, unprotected sex ensues.
Pharmaceutical companies benefit with the increased market for birth control products.
As Phish and WSP became much more commercial by the mid-1990s, a different kind of fan began attending their shows. Jocks and frat boys began showing up. Inebriated and enthralled by the scantily clad girls, date rapes have increased five-fold on the jam-band circuit.
This has led to women's increased fear of the sexual appetites of men, thus fomenting division between the sexes.
Jam-band fans have a propensity to consume copious amounts of drugs. Anyone who has been to a show is immediately confronted with the cloud of marijuana smoke hovering over the crowd.
Perhaps you have witnessed people blowing Vick's Inhalers into others' eyes. Apparently this is some delivery form for the drug Ecstacy (MDMA). The authorities are aware of the pervasive drug use at these shows and they react by increasing law enforcement presence.
People who regularly attend jam shows have an increased likelihood of being arrested. While WSP is singing "Coconuts," some idiot is either stealing water from the concession stand, date raping some poor gir, or selling acid to an undercover auxiliary sheriff?s deputy. Arrest brings a criminal record, even if it is for a few years.
Since most jam-band patrons are white and middle class, arresting them will lead to the authorities stealing from their parents. Parents usually pay turnkey fees and fines so little Johnny can get out of trouble. When the government increases earned income tax credits for the middle class, they know they will get it back in the long run.
Lastly, the most damaging effect of the conspiracy is the jam-band idiot. We have all met them at least once. They talk only about shows they witnessed, basically speaking an inaudible form of gibberish such as, "man...when they played 'Dark Star' it was almost as if Jerry himself was on the stage...it was the spirit of Jerry moving the band...and the crowd... it was awesome...yeah!"
After years of traveling the jam-band circuit, dancing, sweating, dehydrating, consuming large amounts of drugs and spending countless nights in drunk-tanks, the fans have fried their brains.
This has enormous effects on the nation. The jam-band fan, in his state of near retardation, has become a complete idiot and as this person ages they will either never vote or vote Republican.
Brain-damaged is exactly how the Republican government and corporate America want the American people.
With upcoming jam-band festival Bonnaroo, think before you go. Do you all really want to contribute to an evil conspiracy?
The leaves seen through my window-pane Remind me that it's time to move my life again November sun is felt by none A chilly breeze has blown my thoughts to what's to come A cup of warm coffee, some vitamin C A bowl for the cat, a bowl for the dog, a bowl for me
That's it, I'm selling my tickets!!! This explains why I have been feeling dehydrated, more likely to be arrested and slightly Republican lately!!!
Seriously, I can't believe that this was actually published anywhere but some poor soul's stupidity blog, and do sincerely hope that it was written in jest ('cuz it does have the funny). I wonder what "DM journalist" refers too, although if this article was written in seriousness I probably don't want to know.
Okay, morbid curiosity got the best of me and a quick search revealed that the article was published in the Daily Mississippian (thedmonline.com) a University of Mississippi paper. Kevin Johnson seemed to write editorials there in the spring of 2003 when he was a history and philosophy major (hey, those were my majors!).. I still cannot tell if it was serious or not. If this guys articles are all meant as jokes than the humor is really dry. If I had to wager in Vegas I think I would bet that they are intended seriously although it is hard to believe.
Probably not worth your time, but in case anyone's curious here are a few of Kevin's other musings (a charming photo of the editorialist is featured with his articles):
Post by jambandjohn on Feb 28, 2005 20:41:40 GMT -5
Checked out the links for the other articles by Kevin. Either he got a wicked, cynical sense of humor or he should do a piece on why cousins shouldn't marry...
Hmm, what a load of crap! Yet entertaining and very creative. Hey, I officially propose our T-Shirts this year have something to with Lemmings!!!!! LEMM-a-ROOO!!!!
